Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
