if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
