He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
