Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
