I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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