If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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