Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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