Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
