she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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