on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize