If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Your cock deserves a montage
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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