i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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