I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
