I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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