and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
