I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Need sex. Gaining weight.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
