My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
