and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
