if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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