The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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