i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
