Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize