I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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