weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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