At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
