You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize