Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
