HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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