She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
