I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
