I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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