i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
pop tarts are not kleenex
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
