The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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