Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
