If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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