so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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