the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
