dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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