Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
