Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
