onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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