So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
