what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
