she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
