I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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