My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
