did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
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