Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
