Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
