i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
