Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
