so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
