Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
