Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
