I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
