I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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