i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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