I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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