mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
