I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize