3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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