Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
