apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize