Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
