No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
